Additional Series
Community Teaching Moment Part 9 - Choosing and Being Received
Barbara L. Klika, MSW, Undershepherd, Life Coach
November 2013
Situation: Choosing and Being Received by a Fellowship/Community Group
Infant/Child: An infant can’t care for their own needs and is dependent on the love and care of parents and caregivers. The key need for an infant is to hold still long enough to receive the care that they may not like or think they don’t need. A child has learned to care for their own need but has not yet understood the need to also care for others appropriately. This is also true for older children and adults who have not yet mastered this ability to receive. They may not be aware of their own strengths/vulnerabilities and generally want the process to move quickly. Therefore, in choosing a group for their worship, study, and fellowship those who are at an infant or child level of maturity will be most focused on finding a place where they think their own needs and needs of their family will be met in ways they find comfortable to accept; what can this community do for me? As they come into a fellowship group they may be self-absorbed, drawing more from others than they are able to offer in return. These people are often perceived as “needy” and troublesome by a community. It requires strength, stability, structure, character, and the grace of Yah in community leaders and members to be able to nurture, teach and encourage these adult children as they enter into a fellowship group. We have also understood that as we enter into unstudied areas, we are all “as children” in the initial stages of learning, and do need to receive and be fed.
A common difficulty is that this individual “adult child” usually has their own perception of their needs, and may not be willing to actually receive direction or correction. A key task for children is to learn to persevere in hard things so the very thing that is needed the most becomes the most difficult for an adult child to take in. Anxiety increases with any kind of expectation especially if they have not had experiences that confirm that care and love include correction. If they did not receive love and care from parents who were joyful to care for them, they may have missed understanding the importance of relationships in the development of their personal identity, strength and joy. If they do not have positive experiences of personal care in previous faith communities, they may have missed the very essence of our Elohim as relational. This can lead to the perception that one does not need to be in relationship with other believers which makes it more likely that any kind of expectation may cause them to withdraw from one group, perhaps seeking another group that will do things their way. Such adults are often unwilling or unable to acknowledge that there are aspects of growth and maturity that they do not yet comprehend. Until these understandings develop, they may have a pattern of unresolved relationships with various groups, always looking for something they can’t really understand.
Adult/parent response: An adult or parent recognizes the need to care for one’s own needs as well as others. They may also understand the importance of prayerful consideration and the leading of the Ruach haKodesh during the process of finding a fellowship group. One who is at an adult/parent level of maturity may consider what the community or fellowship already offers that fits what they and their children need as well as looking for opportunities for them to offer their talents, skills or knowledge to grow the fellowship or community. They may understand that the process of evaluating a possible fellowship group will not be as quick and easy as those of infant/child maturity level think it is. They are able to tolerate some of the bumps that go along with developing relationships yet remain stable through any difficulty. They may also understand the difference between functional and dysfunctional dynamics between members and leadership as well as being aware of indications of YHWH honoring spiritual authority patterns or abusive patterns.
They are aware of the need for sacrificial care of others, even at the expense of their own personal comfort for a season yet if they understand that a situation is really not wise or healthy to commit to they will not hesitate to go elsewhere. They have a clearer sense of themselves and their own character or needs than children do and are able to both offer their own strength or knowledge to others as well as affirming the character, strength and knowledge of others. They are able to identify the characteristics of the group and provide support to maintain the vision and goal of the community, rather than succumbing to negative peer pressure, lashon hara or withdrawing.
Elder response: One who is at an elder stage of maturity has raised their own children and is now looking toward the needs, growth and maturity of the entire community, seeing what may be needed especially for those who didn’t have a parent that was able to instruct them wisely. An elder seeking a new community will have challenges that are unique to that stage. An individual at an elder stage of maturity who is without a faith community is truly a fish out of water. At this stage of maturity, the focus is no longer on the strength of their youth but on the understanding, wisdom, discernment they have gained through their walk with our Abba through their lives. The relational aspects of our faith in our relational Elohim as well as with His people ideally are flowing in and through one in the elder stage of maturity. Without relationship and recognition of their status as an elder in a fellowship community, they simply cannot function in their role. (I might add that this is all too common in our American society which has generally ceased to value all that goes with longevity, being more focused on the newest and latest innovation.) An elder who is not known to a group will not have that status automatically with them. One who is at an elder stage of maturity may be very aware of the dynamics of a new group, for good or ill, whether or not the new community thinks their issues are transparent. (There is nothing new under the sun.)
The circumstances of their previous fellowship/community being no longer available to them will likely have some impact on their perceptions and ability to function as an elder in any new community. If they have already been through some difficult times in previous unstable fellowship groups, they may also be weighing what they see will be required of them against their ability or willingness to put themselves in that position once again. The recognition of one as an elder can really only take place in the confirmation of it through relationships with others. If their previous community received them well, they have positive experience to bring to the new group. If their previous community did not affirm or accord them respect, they may well be reluctant to step up quickly or at all. Being new to a group, there will likely be a time period in which current members and new members will be evaluating and growing in understanding of one another. A healthy fellowship or community will be watchful and discerning before according elder status to a new individual yet also affirming and inclusive in the process.
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I thought as a child, I reasoned as a child. But when I became a man, I did away with childish matters. 1 Corinthians 13:11
And now belief, expectation, and love remain – these three. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13
The comeliness of young men is their strength, And the splendour of old men is their grey hair. Proverbs 20:29
‘Rise up before the grey-headed. And you shall favour the face of an old man, and shall fear your Elohim. I am יהוה. Leviticus 19:32
And also when I am old and grey, O Elohim, do not forsake me, Until I declare Your strength to a generation, Your might to all those who are to come. Psalm 71:18
But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Luke 6:35
'And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.' This [is] the first commandment. "And the second, like [it, is] this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these." Mark 12:30-31 NKJV
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Com_Teaching_Moment_Choosing_and_Being_Received_into_Community_Group_Nov_2013.docx