Articles
Community Teaching Moment Part 6 - Distracting Behavior
Barbara L. Klika, MSW, Undershepherd, Life Coach
September 2013
Situation: SAM member or Guest/Distracting Behavior During Study or Worship
Infant: An infant can’t care for their own needs. Actual infants or children will absorb the atmosphere, whether it is positive or negative. As a Life Model/Discipleship community, our intent is to provide positive experience and atmosphere. Clarification: An individual who is struggling with strong emotion or tears is not included here in the definition of “being distracted.” Most often, we have seen people who become sad, grieved or tearful want to run and hide until they can control themselves. Our encouragement to them has been to stay with us, especially in worship, because we are glad to be together, even when there is sadness or tears. We recognize that a desire to hide such feelings is often related to feeling shame and that many people have experienced settings in which they were disciplined or viewed negatively if emotions became overwhelming. We would prefer to “stand with” someone in this state rather than have them distance themselves, though it would not necessarily be appropriate for them to process what is happening with the entire group at that moment. This approach has been especially difficult for many-both those who experience the emotions and others who need help to not try to “rescue” someone in an emotional place- but over time we have seen the positive fruit!
Those who are adult in age, but at an infant level of maturity may be either one who is distracting or distracted. Distracting behavior may be as simple as children becoming restless and louder than usual. It may be more complicated when a person who is behaving in a distracting way is an older child or adult. It will be important to discern as clearly as possible if there is something beyond the individual’s control occurring to take into account what kind of support is needed to put an end to the distraction. Someone experiencing sadness or grief that results in tears may need someone of adult/parent/elder level to step aside with them and support them while processing what is happening until they can rejoin the entire group, but this is NOT viewed as a disciplinary action. Just as one infant crying will often result in any infants close at hand also beginning to cry, so have we seen that those who are at an infant level of maturity, whatever their age, may have difficulty maintaining their own composure/peace when someone else is distressed. They may need encouragement to develop strength not to intervene too quickly or try to “fix it.”
The key for an infant is to hold still long enough to receive the needed care that they don’t like or think they don’t need. This is also true for older children and adults who have not yet mastered this ability to receive. When someone is being distracting or disruptive, they need to accept redirection. This is best done quietly with respect for all without the correction itself becoming a distraction. If the behavior continues, a more public/visible correction may be necessary, in a similar way to the Matthew 18 principle. If they are not able to receive being redirected, they may need to receive direction to take a break/time out until they can regain their composure. Our community has discussed and agreed that a responsible older child or adult may redirect children as well as their parents, though something more serious than a passing comment is best referred directly to the parent/guardian. We still recommend this though we know it is no longer common in society at large.
Child response: A child has learned to care for their own need but has not yet understood the need to also care for others appropriately. They may not yet have mastered the ability to do hard things that are necessary and may not yet have understood how to ask for what they need. Participation in worship and study does not necessarily come easily for children, whether by chronological or maturity stage. Like an infant, children may respond to distraction by being distracted or becoming distracting themselves. This would include a similar reaction to what is described above for an infant, if a child identifies so strongly with another’s emotions that they cannot remain calm. They will need to receive correction or redirection, much as an infant does.
Those who have been with us have become familiar with what is expected, and the blessings that come in the process, and are often better able to participate or quietly play. Our halachah has been to include and encourage children to participate in both worship and study as they are able. We understand that they may not fully comprehend some things but maintain confidence that they may also be absorbing things they may not consciously realize. They are also witnessing the modeling of adults in sincere worship, study and prayer.
Adult/parent response: An adult or parent recognizes the harm that comes to both the individual and the community if distractions, or specifically distracting behavior, becomes a recurring issue. They also understand the need for reinforcement of how one cares for one owns needs as well as others. An adult is able to remain stable and act like themselves during difficult situations without being overwhelmed or drawn in. They may recognize an opportunity here with a SAM member to resolve some of their maturity issues with encouragement or the need for re-direction, either in the group context or by taking them aside. If a guest, we will likely not know them or their needs as well so it may be harder to know what is most needed. A guest may not realize if they are being distracting or may think this is acceptable behavior from their own past experience. An adult/parent response may be to find an opportunity to explain and talk with them, whether it is in the context of the entire group or taking them aside. An adult response will include being able to both affirm and encourage the person as well as firmly holding them accountable.
Elder response: An elder has raised their own children and is now looking toward the needs, growth and maturity of the entire community, seeing what may be needed especially for those who didn’t have a parent that was able to instruct them wisely. An elder will be aware of both the personal needs as an adult/parent with the added awareness of the boundaries and needs of the entire community. This is more difficult to do on behalf of guests who are less well known. Some types of distracting behavior may be humorous and handled more easily. Others may become ongoing concerns and could indicate someone who is rebellious or un-teachable. They may also be a result of trauma and triggering events. Such situations provide much fuel for potential drama triangles, fragmentation and division. This is especially true when personal issues of members are “triggered” by guest’s behaviors, or if it is the guest who experiences being triggered, whether or not the guest has any intentions to do so or even realization that it has happened. An elder needs to keep it in front of the eyes of community members who know this is not true; that some people consider drama triangles as a normal interpersonal relationship style. Elders will seek opportunities to teach as well as recognize when a situation is serious enough to require immediate intervention or discipline.
1) same choices of an adult or parent
2) plus may use this to share with entire community of all ages to teach those who never had the advantage of such opportunities to learn. An elder, seeing that adult/parents within the community are unable to respond well to the circumstances may need to step in and defuse the situation as much as possible. An elder may also need to take preventative action should such behavior be a recurrent matter or the individual involved has demonstrated a lack of being teachable. Establishing some parameters for the individual to deal with their personal issues before being able to participate in group activities may be necessary in order to safeguard the entire community. Since many people are not accustomed to allowing others to speak into their lives, this is an aspect of shepherding that is impossible to do without the existence of a relationship and enough mutual trust to allow it to happen. If the distraction is coming from a guest, redirection may be misunderstood or rejected. An elder can only function well in such a situation with the understanding and support of the children/adult/parents of the community.
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. Proverbs 22:15
Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck. Proverbs 1: 8-9
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:13-16
But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Luke 6:35
'And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.' This [is] the first commandment. "And the second, like [it, is] this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these." Mark 12:30-31 NKJV
https://www.set-apart-ministries.org (920) 634-2760
Com_Teaching_Moment_Distracting_Behavior2_Sept_2013.docx