Articles
Community Teaching Moment Part 4 - Aggressive Behavior
Barbara L. Klika, MSW, Undershepherd, Life Coach
August 2013
Situation: Dealing with a child’s bullying behavior by a visitor or regular member
Infant: An infant (0-3 yrs) is dependent on those around them to protect them from aggressive behavior of others, whether it is a known person or visitor. They have no way to discern intent and can only react to what happens to them in very basic ways; i.e. crying in pain. A toddler may also react aggressively in return, doing what was done to them if it is possible.
Most infants would receive the needed protection here even to the point of being physically removed from harm. Older children (and adults) who have not yet mastered this ability to receive may have a hard time acknowledging or receiving assistance/protection, thinking they must retaliate in their own way.
Child response: A child has learned to care for their own need so may respond however their emotions take them. Some will retreat in confusion, hurt or pain while others will try to strike back. Some will seek out adult intervention. This can be a mixed bag as it may be done appropriately as well as inappropriately, in true Drama Triangle fashion!
Adult response: An adult ideally recognizes the dangers and inappropriateness of aggressive behavior as well as a need for reinforcement of the need to care for one owns needs as well as others therefore they will understand the need to stop the behavior to prevent harm. However, there is a variation in adult’s perceptions and experience which leads to wide variation of interpretation and response. Adults may know that it is wrong but be uncertain how to handle it well. An adult who has achieved understanding of empathy vs. sympathy will likely make more appropriate intervention. Their familiarity with age appropriate responses will also play a role in how they intervene. Adults who perceive children as “little adults” may respond very strongly to the aggressor, assuming that the child knows full well that what they are doing is harmful or wrong. Adults who assume that all children are helpless may respond strongly to the target child with indulgence.
Generally in our community we understand it is the parent’s primary responsibility to protect and to discipline their children with community support. If it were a visitor’s child being aggressive, after intervention to prevent harm, the child’s parents would be asked to handle them. Our community parents have given authority to other adults in our community to discipline/direct each other’s children but this is not common in groups anymore. We have seen our older children/adults/parents stand up to protect perceived harm to any of our children and wholeheartedly support this community wide acceptance of responsibility to protect vulnerable people.
Parent Response: A parent’s response will be very similar to an adult’s response however they will ideally know their own children well enough to use discernment as to actual events and motives, and thus make more appropriate interventions. Parents also need to intervene to prevent harm. They are accustomed to the need for sacrificial care of children and will inconvenience themselves as necessary to model, teach and discipline as needed. Having their own children may equip them to better interpret situations with other children with appropriate empathy.
Elder response: An elder has raised their own children and is now looking toward the needs, growth and maturity of the entire community, whatever their age, seeing what may be needed especially for those who didn’t have a parent that was able to instruct them wisely. An elder steps back to view the wider picture to determine not only response but also preventative measures that may be necessary.
An elder ideally will intervene much as an adult or parent would do, working to prevent harm overall as well as to discern intent and appropriate discipline or teaching necessary in the situation.
An elder who observes that adults or parents do not appear to know how to appropriately teach or discipline their aggressive child(ren) will be watchful and intervene as necessary to protect the safety of the entire community and to determine what teaching is needed. If such adults/parents are visitors, steps will be taken to assure that the visiting adult/parent understands the need for their direct supervision of their child’s behavior. Their willingness to allow community elders and members to support them in this process would be a factor if they are recurrent visitors.
An elder may also use such situations to teach those who never had the advantage of such opportunities to learn, taking care to maintain a positive attitude. If parents are not willing to accept responsibility or to receive support/intervention from community elders or members, they may no longer be free to bring the aggressive child(ren) to fellowship gatherings.
An effective elder must be willing to take a stand in order to protect the safety, boundaries and halachah of the community even if the action is misperceived.
Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you. Hebrews 13:17
But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Luke 6:35
'And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.' This [is] the first commandment. "And the second, like [it, is] this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these." Mark 12:30-31 NKJV
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Com_Teaching_Moment_Dealing_with_Aggressive_Children_Aug_2013.docx